self awareness v. self acceptance
My dad has been visiting me this month and we’ve been climbing together a lot. Back when I was 10 he taught me to tie a figure eight knot and how to be scared to death belaying, and he’s still teaching me today. One thing that’s struck me this visit is our similar commentary when we get down from a climb. At this point, we’ve both climbing together so long I couldn’t really say who started it. But this is how it goes: whether we fall or not on a climb, the minute we touch back down to earth, we’ll list 2-3 mistakes we made on the climb. These are words we say out loud to ourselves about our own performance, not feedback we give one another, my dad teaches by example. A mistake might be not seeing a hold, going too fast, going too slow, misreading the reach between two holds and falling short in an awkward flail.
I can’t quite decide how I feel about this practice. I can see how I’ve inherited a high level of attention to detail, and I’m especially grateful for the ability to recognize and own my mistakes, no ego excuses needed. But I can also feel a relentlessness that butts up against a mindset I’ve worked to cultivate as an adult of radical self acceptance. If I can easily correct the missteps I’ve made on the wall and I’m the mood to improve, then it’s very helpful to know what they are. But I have also wrung my hands for so called “mistakes” that were actually just weakness in my climbing that needed time, care and attention. Or my “mistake” was a specific, genuine fear I was working through in that era that wasn’t going to be overcome on one short climb. It doesn’t help to tear myself apart for not executing a skill I simply don’t yet have, yet clarity on weakness is priceless.
And there’s also that timeless and inconvenient truth: we’re all just humans doing our best, often failing, sometimes succeeding, mostly in between.
Maybe you’ll consider:
What’s the right balance of self awareness v. self acceptance?
Which speaks louder? Which do you need more of to make steady, reasonable progress?
Are your ego your climbing knowledge in a place where weaknesses and fear can reveal themselves without much pain and drama?