I still don’t believe in optimization

There is no optimum state on my horizon, nor am I there now, nor do I plan on figuring out what it is.

Of course, I’m more cheerful when I get enough sleep, and my climbing and friendliness levels suffered for years when I didn’t. But even in the depths of my sleepless era, I was having so much fun not sleeping that I didn’t even question the compromise.

I also like donuts, which I have learned the hard way, are not optimal for breakfast on a climbing day, but, gosh darn it, I’ll eat that lesson again, and I’ll like it.

Instead of optimization, I have acquiesced to the vast and complex challenge of accepting myself. Harder, I would say, than optimizing because all that takes is following rules which is something we all learned in kindergarten. I stick myself with the tedious work of figuring out exactly what my body is capable of on a day-to-day basis and making a plan, or changes to a previous plan, based on how I’m feeling that day.

Don’t say there’s no discipline in this Nightmare Lifestyle I’ve adopted. It takes A TON of discipline to sit and listen to the daily report from my body, and that process begins exactly 15 minutes before sunrise when my cat dutifully wakes me up to get me started on the task. Decades of yoga and meditation practice attuned my awareness to my body on a level feels adequately detailed and authentic, and I am so grateful for the time I invested in those halls of spiritual practice.

It takes even MORE discipline to act on the report I get from my innards.

To be weak when my hope was to be strong.

To be wild when my plan was for temperance.

To communicate honestly when I’d rather go with the flow.

My ego doesn’t always like this method, and there lots are times when following through with a commitment is my actual priority. And yet, the overall quest to accept and collaborate with my ever-changingness hasn’t cost me a single dream.

Wander off from climbing, and the most enchanting swimming hole reveals itself in the forest behind the dome I never explore because I’m too busy cragging on the steep side. Climb under-slept and attain psychedelic-flow-state-onsight-nirvana with no drugs at all.

My favorite days inhabiting my being have always been delivered on the wings of serendipity. It was never purely what strength or ability my body was serving that day. There was always an irreplicable combination of friends, a golden opportunity and nature gifts in the form of good weather.

Instead of being crabby and rigid about the list of infinite and forever variable influences, some of which I can control and some of which I can’t, why not just apply myself to dealing with which ones are popping up that day and seeing what can happen given those entirely unique and fleeting constraints?

This versatility is what I call true strength.

I want to be able to handle all the factors with grace. Sometimes the biggest challenge is emotional. Often the challenge is physical. And most frustratingly of all is when the challenge is logistical!

Sometimes the bravest, strongest and most rewarding thing to do is say, “I don’t feel like it today,” and not have any reason at all.